We Should Officially Link Scientists With Small Penis Size

The 1990s music scene produced a lot of one-hit wonders.

Vanilla Ice turned his lone hit single, "Ice Ice Baby," into a chart-topping success he still eats off of decades later. Danish pop group Aqua were trailblazers with their solo hit "Barbie Girl". I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Mark Morrison's "Return of the Mack", which still gets some spins from me from time to time.

Another 90s one-hit wonder was Gillette. I'm sure the name doesn't ring a bell in a musical sense. She performed the 1994 song "Short Short Man". The song still holds much of its cultural relevancy today. For better or worse, America has been and will always be a sex-fueled nation.

Popular consensus subscribes that "short short men" use material possessions to compensate for their lack of length below the belt. In a study from the University College London, scientists Daniel Richardson, Joseph Devlin, and John Hogan argue there is a clear psychological link between men who believe they have a small penis with their adoration for expensive vehicles.

Two-hundred English-speaking men between the ages of eighteen and seventy-four participated in the study. They were split into two groups: one group was told the average length of an erect penis was seven inches (low self-esteem group), and the other four inches (high self-esteem group). In case you didn't know, the average length is between five and five and a half inches. Then, the groups were instructed to rate their desire for luxury items on a slider from "not at all" to "very much". The "low self-esteem" men were likelier to desire an expensive sports car.

In the conclusion of the study, the authors write, "Why cars and why penises? These results raise intriguing questions for future research. Does penis size effect only ratings for sports cars, or other highly prized items as well?"

"The luxury automotive industry may be unwilling to acknowledge this link, but our results do provide some succor...While demand for their product might be motivated by feelings of genital inadequacy, this is a feeling shared by many of their customers."

Could this study be the genesis of a new marketing campaign by luxury car brands? Imagine a commercial with Salma Hayek wearing a skin-tight dress, standing in front of Rolls Royce, and saying, "Rolls Royce. BIGGER. Badder. Better." Time will only tell.

These researchers tried to prove the same tired trope of men using material possessions to mask their insecurities. Don't get me wrong, there could be some truth to this. But let's flip this on its head. What if the researchers are masking their insecurities behind science?

Whether fairly or unjustly, scientists have always been stigmatized as nerdy, unsociable, weird, or flat-out crazy. I'm not a scientist and I can relate. Creating an excellent volcano exhibit in the fifth-grade science fair got me a thumbs-up from teachers and a thumbs-down from the ladies.

There is a reason for that. Scientists, or nerdy scientist types, are disconnected from society. Head buried in a book, flocked around other like-minded people, science lovers can have some difficulty adjusting to "regular" society. Imagine being around college classmates discussing quantum mechanics and the Bohr model, then going home, and your family doesn't know what a proton is.

Science, by nature, is disconnected from reality. Most scientific theories about everything have been proven wrong.

Take Charles Darwin's theory of evolution. His book, On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life, has been proven patently false. His anti-biblical theories increased the acceptance of scientific and academic arguments for racism. Yet, it is still taught in schools. His books are not being burned. No one is trying to wipe Darwin from history.

Alfred Kinsey's work as a scientist, zoologist, and sexologist is widely celebrated. Indiana University raised a statue of him in honor of the 75th Anniversary of the Kinsey Institute. Yet, his work includes sex experiments between animals and humans and orgasm experiments on five-month-old infants. Alfred Kinsey hid his pedophilia under the guise of science.

Science wanted us to believe the universe revolved around Earth. Now, we know the Earth revolves around the sun. At one point, science wanted us to think the Earth was flat. Then, round. Now, some believe it is a half circle or an oval.

White lab coat wearers in 1969 said global warming would melt the North Pole in a couple of decades.

Then they said entire nations could be wiped out by the year 2000.

Today, the year has been pushed up to 2030.

The science overlords wanted us to think putting a t-shirt over our mouths and injecting ourselves with an experimental medical cocktail would protect us from a deadly virus that wiped out less than 1% of all people who contracted it.

Science has repeatedly been proven wrong, yet we cling to scientific theories and jargon like a toddler clings to their blankie.

Science is fake. Scientists are nothing more than witch doctors with lab coats. Every week, there is a new study about what is good for you, what’s bad, and what new pill the science community says we should be popping. One-third of them have adverse effects. As a matter of fact, I would trust a Zulu witch doctor before I trust Anthony Fauci or Bill Nye The Science guy. In the 90s, he said there were two genders. Now, he boasts that there are over seventy.

Scientists use their fancy degrees and bloated salaries to mask their inability to accept things in the real world. Most men do not desire sports cars because they have a small penis. Most men are instinctively attracted to speed, strength, power, and sex. That's why football, action thrillers, and perhaps a commercial with Salma Hayek standing in front of a Rolls Royce are popular.

Masculinity is under attack from all sides. Science has become another weapon in the arsenal.

Who's really the short short man? The guy who worked his butt off so he could afford an expensive car, or the guy in a lab coat studying another guy's junk?